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Author Topic: Feedback/Problems you have with the story, logic etc.  (Read 1368 times)

Offline No Comment

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Feedback/Problems you have with the story, logic etc.
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:54:32 am »
The subject title is a problem, I couldn't think of ANYTHING better. This in itself is not part of the story, so just skip this part.

Money.
I haven't finished reading the current chapter.
The 100$ etc for the mantis blades. Sure it's a lot. He made thousands of them. I don't recall if there were any descriptions of it, but it seems to be a few times better than what great level 100 gear or so would be.

Now, my problem is that I don't recall there being a base for the items and it seems that skimming over what was behind the prices etc made me lose my immersion. 
« Last Edit: December 24, 2014, 06:27:08 pm by No Comment »

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Offline johnnest

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Re: Problems you have with the story, logic etc.
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2014, 09:30:12 am »
Hmm. I'll try to fix that by giving in a baseline of how most auction items are priced at. I'm really sorry because I only imagined those numbers in my head and didn't write them down, hehehe. But that won't be happening any time soon.

I already have the next 2 chapters planned out and putting the explanation would feel to out of place...

I think maybe after 2 chapters, I could write in a more detailed explanation and price list on the items.
Thanks for pointing that out ^_^
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Offline No Comment

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Re: Problems you have with the story, logic etc.
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2014, 10:24:37 am »
No problem and don't apologise. You know the story better than anyone so trivial things(as in what everyone should know) might escape your consideration when you're planning bigger, more fun things. Remember that writing is a learning experience. That's why I read. :(

Ah, title for the subject: Feedback.

Now, here's something you can use: One of his brothers needs money for something, pesters him. He says no, but relents on a cheaper thing and then says that the budget is tight, then he lists the things he has to spend money on (bills) and food.
State the money he gets minimum a month from the job. (Introduce his notebook for family accounting)
He then thinks of the game marketplace, the money he made, expects to make a day (1k$ a day from the mantis blades. PLS VR COME TO ME COME TO ME MY SWEET VR), looks at similar items, lists the prices, checks requirements(this part doesn't need to actually list more than a few) to get us familiar with the average drops and prices. Then look at a few rare things, where he sees something too good to be true. Looks for ability tomes, in order not to get you too swamped, you could say that there are too many for him to look through for now, he thinks he'll just get them when he needs and still has... The G mans stash.

Speaking of G mans stash. Darius would be training him, or giving him some like that, no? Maybe give him a few lessons when Smoke gets horribly beat at something for being too cocky. Teaches him to be more creative with the skills he has etc.

This is actually harder to think about than the bigger things. No wonder directors have continuity problems.

Edit: Too many commas, not enough chapters.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2014, 10:27:28 am by No Comment »

Offline Zanareth

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Hi there!

I wanted to know where you got the inspiration for the name of the Aqua knight Mamelon in your last chapter.
Because in case you didn't know (or actually did, thus having named her like that) "mamelon" has a specific meaning in French.
I'll let anyone, who doesn't know, search by him/herself, but I must say I laughed out loud when I saw that name.  ;)

It's always a pleasure reading your work; you have my thanks and my highest esteem  :D
Everything can turn into a cookie with enough imagination

Offline johnnest

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Another user named Evernest pointed that out in that chapter's discussion.

I got the inspiration from the pictured Aqua Knight in my head LOL I don't think that her name is too offensive in the French language is it?
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
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Offline Zanareth

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Haha I wouldn't say it is offensive, at all. It's just I couldn't stay serious while reading. I was picturing the scene where Mamelon would kill  a bandit and say "Know that your killer goes by the name of Nipple" Never ending laughters XD
« Last Edit: January 30, 2015, 06:35:23 am by Zanareth »
Everything can turn into a cookie with enough imagination

Offline johnnest

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Haha I wouldn't say it is offensive, at all. It's just I couldn't stay serious while reading. I was picturing the scene were Mamelon would kill  a bandit and say "Know that your killer goes by the name of Nipple" Never ending laughters XD

Her Nipple's sooo hard that it's still visible through metal armor!  :o
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
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Offline Nemal

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hello i'm wondering about the leadership stat
Doesn't it need to increase when you lead the bunch of farmer to war against the bandit ?
It's never spoken of and it quite bug me.

Offline johnnest

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hello i'm wondering about the leadership stat
Doesn't it need to increase when you lead the bunch of farmer to war against the bandit ?
It's never spoken of and it quite bug me.

The Leadership stat is used to control large parties but mostly restricts your number of members for your private army. Thanks for bringing this up. I'll remember to mention in next time.
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
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Offline interitus

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I just read both books today and finished them earlier and I enjoyed them emensly whilst I was reading them that I noticed that some in game notifications such as skills and item descriptions had pop up boxes whilst some others did not and whilst it does not detract anything from the story it interrupted my reading flow a couple of times

Offline johnnest

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I just read both books today and finished them earlier and I enjoyed them emensly whilst I was reading them that I noticed that some in game notifications such as skills and item descriptions had pop up boxes whilst some others did not and whilst it does not detract anything from the story it interrupted my reading flow a couple of times

Hmmm, I only placed pop up boxes for special in game notifications and I think if I placed them on all of the notifications there would be too many pop up boxes? But I'll think about it.
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Offline Raj2905

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Hi there!

I wanted to know where you got the inspiration for the name of the Aqua knight Mamelon in your last chapter.
Because in case you didn't know (or actually did, thus having named her like that) "mamelon" has a specific meaning in French.
I'll let anyone, who doesn't know, search by him/herself, but I must say I laughed out loud when I saw that name.  ;)

It's always a pleasure reading your work; you have my thanks and my highest esteem  :D
ROFL i just saw the meaning ,i had few guesses but what came out i didn't expect it.

« Last Edit: April 02, 2015, 08:05:26 am by Raj2905 »

Offline Raj2905

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and yeah i also want to ask abt the leadership stat ,i think he indirectly lead a huge group of players on brandal hunt ,and did that pact contract (while racing) had any impact on his leadership stat ?

Offline Griffin

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I think a simple edit of the 1st page would help you see the critical problems with the book. You could use the edit map to guide you in smoothing the problems in the rest of the volume, if you so desire.

Question:

If I took the time to mark all the places (on the 1st page) I believe you could do a better job, would you feel offended?

I don't want to disrespect you. Thus, why I ask.


On the 1st page, I saw the following errors.

1. Tense slips.
2. 2nd person -3rd person point of view jumps.
3. Plurals vs singulars.
4.  Over use of passive verbs were/was/had/...to be
5. Wishy-washy PoV- From who's point of view is the scene? God? A character?
6. Telling vs showing - You TELL a lot of the story, instead of showing it.
7. Info dumping - Paragraphs and paragraphs of narration that kill the pacing.
8. Clunky sentences.
9. Action hidden behind other information.


Pretty sure a professional editor would find more problems. These I picked out on the first 5 paragraphs.

Anyways, let me know.

Griffin

Offline johnnest

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@Griffin, sent you a PM
“He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
― Abraham Lincoln

 

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